Harry Potter and Mr Sheep
by Shrink To Be
Summary: This is a collection of REALLY random, short, funny stories. Mostly based after 5th year. WARNING: may turn brain into goo! YOU DONT HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO FIND THIS FUNNY BUT IT HELPS!
1. A Cheering Charm in a can 1

A/n: I warn you now, the following is completely mad. Very few characters are in character, but that is half the fun of it. 

Also, the story is rather fast paced so I advise you not to scan read, as you are likely to miss bits if you do, - most sentences are important (or just plain stupid)

DO NOT READ if you don't want your brain to turn into a sticky mess, cos it might be just that after you have read this…ENJOY!

By the way, this is just the first chapter of many...

Harry Potter and Mr Sheep 

**A Cheering Charm in a can**

**Chapter 1**

**Letters**

_Hi Harry!_

Happy birthday! I am goin' ta give you ya present when ya ge' ta school. I have talked to Dumbledore and for no logical reason he has said it will be allowed. I will tell ya more la're,

_Hagrid,_

_Hi Harry!_

_Happy Birthday! Mum says we might be able to get you away from the muggles soon. I hope you like your present!_

_I would write more but… I can't be bothered. Hope to see you soon! _

_Ron,_

_Hi Harry!_

_I hope you are enjoying your birthday. Are the muggles giving you a hard time? I don't understand why you have to go there every summer, but as I say ' I am sure Dumbledore has his reasons'._

_Your present is small but I am sure you will appreciate it._

_Hope you are well, _

_Hermione,_

_Xxx_

_Dear Harry,_

_I am very sorry but mum has said Dumbledore wont let you come to Grimmauld place. I asked if you could come to the burrow, but she said no -again. I feel your pain, really I do! Hermione is doing my head in. It is so boring being the only _normal_ person in my family. _

_Fred and George came along yesterday, it was fun until mum sent them home when Ginny turned purple._

_My hand hurts so I am going to end my letter here,_

_Ron,_


	2. Trelawny confesses

Harry Potter and Mr. Sheep 

**Trelawney confesses**

Dumbledore had called all the teachers into his office for a meeting. This was not going to be an ordinary meeting how ever. This was a meeting about Harry Potter and his destiny.

All the Hogwarts teachers were assembled on straight back chairs, which McGonagall had brought up.

They all sat looking at Dumbledore, waiting for him to say something.

" I have called you all here today, to discuss a very important matter concerning Harry Potter. I believe it is time for you all to know where he has been going every Wednesday night for the last two years." Dumbledore began.

All the teachers now began to think that the rumour about Harry and Dumbledore _was _true!

" Harry has been attending duelling lessons."

The teachers gave a big sigh of disappointment. They were wrong in yet again getting their hopes up that this meeting might actually be interesting.

" You all know that there was a prophecy made concerning Harry and Tom because you are in the order. You know that it exists, but I have not yet revealed to you its contents. The prophecy said that Harry is the one to vanquish the Dark Lord. The only one. In the end, one will kill the other. It was a prophecy made by Professor Trelawney here."

All the teachers turned to look at Trelawney. She had turned a shade of pink. Was she embarrassed?

" Harry is now in his final battle with Tom. I wish I could accompany him in his final battle, but, as you know, I am a hologram and I can't leave my office."

Dumbledore had been murdered by his own phoenix, Fawkes, which had turned evil at the end of last year. Dumbledore's soul now lived on through a hologram, which projected out of his office ceiling. Dumbledore said that no spell could reawaken the dead, but he had only said that so he could be the first person to do it so he could get in the butterbeer book of records.

" Harry is now out saving the world, and fulfilling the prophecy."

Trelawney had turned an even richer shade of pink.

" Is something the matter Professor?" Dumbledore asked kindly to Trelawney.

" Um-well- you didn't really believe the prophecy did you?" She said slowly.

" What do you mean Sybil?"

" Well, I only made it up so I could get the job…" She said.

Dumbledore's hologram appeared not to register what Trelawney had just said.

" Pardon?"

" It's not real. I made it up." She said, bracing herself for Dumbledore's reaction.

But Dumbledore couldn't or wouldn't react. He sat staring at Trelawny and continuously saying " pardon, pardon, pardon, p-p-pardon, p-p-p-pardon…"

It was only when McGonagall stood on several chairs, and punched the projector, Dumbledore started to react.

" Well that's just fucked up everything hasn't it?" He said quietly.

Obviously, the projector could not completely portray Dumbledore's old personality. Or, maybe a man's personality is never the same again after they have been attacked by a bloodthirsty phoenix.

Dumbledore's projector exploded and the hologram disappeared. Dumbledore was now officially dead so they could finally hold a funeral. On his gravestone were his final words 'well that's just fucked up everything hasn't it?' it seemed appropriate.

Harry was sent back to Hogwarts piece by piece after Voldemort had finished with him. His eye had managed to find its way in to some poor first year's breakfast!

It was now obvious to the world that Dumbledore really was a blubbering old fool. To think he actually believed Trelawney's prophecy in the first place! Ha! Get real!

Hopefully when Harry finds Dumbledore in the afterlife then he will give him a big kick up the bum. After all, Dumbledore did basically tell Harry to go and get killed by the most powerful dark wizards ever to live. How stupid do you get?

A/n: hope you liked it! Ha! I had great fun writing this one! What do you think about the theory of Trelawny making it all up! Ok, I know it won't actually happen, but you have to laugh if a chapter in the sixth book is called Trelawny confesses!

Anyhu, like chapter 9, I will post this one when I am finally allowed back on harrypotterfanfiction:'-( I miss you!


	3. conversation 1

Harry: Tom, we have to go, the basilisk could be here any moment-

Tom: It won't come until it's called.

Harry: What? Called for it's tea? That's hours away!

Tom: That's not exactly what I meant…

Harry: It wasn't?

Tom: No sarcastically surprised?

Harry: Not really… but hey! This is strange! Did you know that your full name, Tom Marvolo Riddle, spells out 'I am Lord Voldemort' if you rearrange the letters?

Tom: …

Harry: Didn't you know? Maybe you should play scrabble more, then you would understand.

Random actor playing Tom Riddle: Chris! Tell him off, Dan's messing with the script! ...again!

Dan: Most people who watch the film have read the books! Also, intelligent viewers would have already worked it out!

Random actor playing Tom Riddle: Right! I'm leaving! stomps out of the room

Dan: That's the second time! Now I'll have to act both characters…again! Oh well, it should be easy seeing as we both look the same.

Chris Comlubus: No No No! You are already playing Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Neville, Hagrid, McGonagall, Dumbledore, Dobby, AND the Dursleys! I give up! Runs out, leaving Dan in the room alone


	4. mr sheep, the female goat

Harry Potter and Mr. Sheep 

**Mr. Sheep, the female goat**

**Chapter 1**

**The gift**

Once upon a time at Hogwarts an owl flew into the dining hall…

" Harry look it's Hedwig!" Ron exclaimed, " What's she carrying?"

" It looks like a big parcel." Hermione said.

" Well duh…" Ron said.

The snowy white owl was carrying a large parcel three or four times the size of the owl. The owl landed heavily on Harry's table.

" Lets open it." Ron said.

" Did you know Ron, that thought never even crossed my mind." Harry said bluntly.

Ron ignored the comment. He thought Harry was being genuine.

They began to open the parcel.

The parcel bleated.

" Harry, what's that noise?" Hermione asked.

" Probably Ron…"

" Hey!" Ron said, insulted.

They pulled off the brown wrapping paper,

" It's a goat!" Ron said.

" Why did Hagrid send you a goat, Harry?" Hermione asked.

The goat jumped off the table and started to eat Ron's shirt.

" Get off you stupid animal!" Ron yelled.

" Stop insulting Mr Sheep!" Harry said.

" Mr Sheep? But, Harry, it's a goat," Hermione lifted up- the goat's tail, " a _female_ goat!"

" Hagrid can't help not being able to tell the difference between goats and sheep, and, male and female! Why do you think he's so confused about his sexuality?" Harry said, " Besides, he's already named it. No point in changing it now. I certainly can't be bothered to think up a name myself…"

Ginny randomly comes from no-where.

" I'll name it!" she said.

" Err...no thanks. Not after what you named Pigwidgeon…"

Ginny looks insulted and randomly disappears.

" Why a goat?" Hermione said. She was becoming very confused which rarely happened in Hermione's mind.

" What will it eat?" Ron said.

" Hagrid says that Mr. Sheep will eat pretty much anything. That's why he gave it to me. Mr. Sheep was eating all the pumpkins. Looks like he likes your shirt as well Ron."

Ron tried to push the goat away.

" Eurgh! It reeks!"

" Please don't insult my pet Ron – he'll be sleeping in our dormitory now, you don't want to make him angry!"

" Why a goat?" Hermione said again. The lack of logical reasoning behind the present was nearly as bad as her worst nightmare.

A/N: please review!


	5. Mr Sheep, the female goat 2

**Harry Potter and Mr. Sheep**

**Mr. Sheep, the female goat**

**Chapter 2**

**Eaten?**

Mr Sheep had made itself at home in the boy's dormitory. It had already eaten Neville's bed sheets twice and had begun to start trying to bite its way through the chain which had been placed around his neck to keep the oat from doing anymore damage.

Harry rarely found he had to feed Mr Sheep. This was because the goat was more than happy to find food for itself. Harry was surprised to find a very upset Dobby one day…

Flashback

" Dobby? What's wrong?" Harry tried to comfort the house elf.

" It's Winky Mr Harry Potter sir!" The elf cried.

" Winky? What's happened Dobby?"

" She's been eaten sir!"

The last statement caught Harry off his guard.

" Eaten?"

" By a beast sir! A beast in the sixth year's boy's dormitory sir!"

" Do you mean Mr. Sheep ate Winky?"

Dobby let out a howl.

" Yes, Harry Potter, Yes!"

Harry felt a large weight drop in his stomach. His precious Mr. Sheep was a murderer!

" I'm so sorry Dobby."

" It's ok Harry Potter sir. It's just, we house elves are now too scared to enter. What if the beast strikes again! We fear for the lives of the boys sir! What if they are eaten?"

End of flashback

Harry recalled the memory as if it was yesterday.

Wait, it _was _yesterday.

Oh well.

It was near midnight and Harry was tired. So Harry decided to go to bed. It makes perfect sense really.

Harry entered the dormitory and received a big shock. Mr. Sheep had disappeared!

" MR. SHEEP! NO! WHERE ARE YOU?" Harry cried out desperately.

He searched the dormitory frantically.

Then he noticed some feathers.

_Feathers?_

Sitting on the end of Harry's bed was a very fat pigeon.

Harry put two and two together.

" OMG! THE PIGEON ATE MR. SHEEP!"

Harry fell to the floor and dissolved in to tears.

Just then, Hermione entered.

"What's wrong Harry?"

" Mr. Sheep! He's been eaten!"

The last statement caught Hermione off her guard.

" Eaten?"

" The pigeon ate Mr. Sheep!" Harry was hysterical now.

" Calm down Harry! Don't you remember Hagrid saying? Mr. Sheep is a goatpigeon! A bit like a werewolf. Every full moon, Mr. Sheep will turn into a pigeon! Mr. Sheep hasn't been eaten! This pigeon _IS _Mr. Sheep!"

"…Oh…" Harry said. He suddenly felt very stupid.

How could he not have guessed something as obvious as that? I mean, what is more common than a goatpigeon? Honestly… sometimes Harry really doesn't think.


	6. A Cheering charm in a can 2

**Harry Potter and Mr Sheep **

**Chapter 2**

**At Platform 9 ¾**

" Hi Harry!" Harry was nearly knocked over when his friend, Hermione, hugged him, " How are you?"

" You've put on weight!" Ron said when he saw Harry.

" Don't be horrible Ron!" argued Hermione.

" But he's as fat as a pig!"

Harry had indeed put on weight. Ron had given him a never-ending chocolate bar for his birthday. As you bit in to it, it would grow back, delicious as ever. Dudley's old clothes were no longer large, they fitted well.

" Maybe you have gained a bit of weight…Maybe I shouldn't have given you that cheering charm in a can for your birthday…" Hermione said.

" You did What Hermione! Have you any idea what those charms can do to Harry in his condition?" Ron yelled.

"What condition?"

Ron dropped his voice to a hushed whisper, " Hermione, he is probably still mourning for Sirius! Those charms in a can do strange things to someone who is that depressed!"

" Oh don't be stupid Ron! There is nothing wrong with it!" Hermione grabbed the can out of Harry's bag and held it under Harry's nose.

" I'm happy , happy, happy!" Harry began to skip around his friends singing " in and out of the dusty blue bells who will be my master…"

Ron slapped Harry over the face. "Get a grip you psycho!"

Harry began to eat his never ending chocolate bar. Then Seamus' gran came along and took it.

" It's bad for your health young man! You should eat cabbage!" She said.

Harry started trying to take it from her.

" Give it up grandma!" He yelled.

Harry eventually won and he started eating the chocolate bar very quickly.

" Yumyumyumyumyum"

" O.k. Harry, if you just give that to me…" Hermione said cautiously

" NO! MINE, MY PRECIOUS!" He shouted angrily.

Everyone at the station was now looking at Harry.

" Poor kid" Ron heard someone say.

Harry Potter and Mr sheep  
Chapter 3  
At the Welcoming Feast

" Harry, why aren't you eating?" Hermione asked Harry.

" SIRIUS IS DEAD!" Harry started to cry.

" O.k. Harry, don't worry." She shoved the cheering charm in a can under Harry's nose, trying to make him feel better.

Harry had an immediate reaction," LETS DO THE CONGA!" He shouted. He got up from his seat and started to dance.

He danced his way out of the now silent hall.

Two minutes later, the doors burst open. A strange music started to play, and there was Harry, wearing a purple sarong around his waist and lots of jewellery showing off his naked torso.

Harry ran up the hall and jumped on the staff table. He stood in front of Dumbledore and started to belly dance.

Dumbledore didn't quite know how to react to this, so he sat and watched.

The whole hall was stunned.

Harry moved on to Professor Mcgonagall. He shook his stuff and Mcgonagall looked slightly turned on. She lost her thin lips and she smiled. When she wasn't scowling, she had very full sexy lips.

The music stopped and Harry froze in the 'superman' pose.

Dumbledore slowly rose from his chair and started to clap. The hall followed his example and applauded.

" Thank you, thank you all! I'll be back Monday!" Harry said.


	7. Hyperventilation

A/n: this story is based on my friend Tasmin who keeps hyperventilating! I hope you enjoy it! Please review!   
Harry Potter and Mr. Sheep 

**Hyperventilation**

It was a normal day for the trio. Hermione was doing her homework, Harry was looking at the marauders map, and Ron was playing chess with himself.

Ron enjoyed playing chess against himself as this was he only time that he could have even slight competition.

Harry was forever looking at the marauders map. It had become so much more interesting when he had discovered Snape staying in the bathroom for long periods of time. Extremely long periods of time. Harry could only guess what he got up to. Only Ron knew. This was because Ron was one of them. He was a wanker!

Hermione was doing her charms essay which was due in for the next week.

Hermione finally managed to finish her essay. It was three rolls of parchment long and it had taken her two hours.

'Getting faster!' Hermione thought to herself. She read over her work.

" Yes! I beat you!" Ron shouted in jubilation.

Hermione turned to look at Ron. He was smiling at the chessboard. Obviously he had just beaten a game of chess against himself.

Hermione pulled out her knitting. She continued to make some elf hats.

Harry continued to look at the marauders map. Snape had come out the bathroom. Harry was now watching Dumbledore and McGonagall sneak into the room of requirement together. They were still in there when Ron let out a fourth ' whoop' of victory.

He had beaten himself at chess again.

Hermione was fed up with Ron. She could not understand how one boy could stay interested in a game of chess against himself for so long!

" Fine, Ron. I'll play against you." Hermione said.

" Alright, if you want." Ron said sounding bored.

' honestly!' Hermione thought. 'he prefers to play against himself than me!'

Hermione sat down and watched the chess pieces move into place.

Ron made the first move.

Hermione moved.

After one hard hour of playing chess, they were drawing near to the finish.

Harry, who had got bored of the marauders map, had decided to come and watch. Harry was slightly annoyed the marauders map only showed the positions of the people not what they were doing.

Hermione was surprisingly good at chess. She always was the cleverest witch of her age.

There was no way she was going to let Ron beat her at something logical.

She moved her queen.

" Checkmate!" Hermione said.

" MERLIN! YOU ACTUALLY MANAGED TO BEAT RON!" Harry shouted.

Harry began to jump around on the sofa's. " Go Hermione! Go Hermione! It's your birthday! it's your birthday! Gonna party like it's your birthday!"

Ron was staring at the chessboard in disbelief. He appeared not to be breathing.

" well, that was fun. Anyway, I'm off to bed." Hermione said, clearly not aware of what a 'big occasion' this was.

" Wait!" Ron said standing up. Hermione spun around. Ron looked in to her eyes. " No-ones ever beaten me at chess before. You are the first person to give me a real challenge. Hermione, you are a woman after my own heart. Will you marry me?"

Harry, who had obviously not been paying attention, continued to bounce on the sofa shouting.

Hermione was gobsmacked, literally ( Harry had begun to throw cushions around in his jubilation.)

Ron was holding out a ring in a small, very pretty box. The ring was pure silver with a small diamond on. It was her engagement ring.

" I-" Hermione tried to speak but her throat had closed up.

She started to gasp for air. It sounded like she was dieing!

Ron was quick by her side. " Calm down dear!"

Then Harry, oblivious to the situation said " It's only a commercial!"

Hermione started to breath harder.

" We're gonna have to get help! Quick! Go find a teacher!" Ron said to Harry.

" Get a teacher yourself!" Harry said chucking a pillow into the fire. The fire engulfed it. (The fire was very hungry as the last thing it had had to eat was an unsuspecting first year yesterday.)

" Hermione! I'll be back in a minute! Just don't die!" Ron said as he ran out the common room.

Of course that made Hermione feel so much better.

Ron ran down the corridor, then he bumped into professor Dumbledore and McGonagall. They both looked very flustered.

" Professors! Quick! Hermione's making noises like this-" Ron began to make the same sounds that Hermione was making, only this time he had a coughing fit in the middle of it as it tickled his throat.

" Ok we get the picture!" McGonagall said sternly.

" I'm afraid we are quite busy Mr. Weasley. You will have to deal with this yourself tonight." Dumbledore said, while eying up McGonagall.

" But I need to know what' wrong!" Ron exclaimed.

" I suspect you proposed to her and she got over exited." Dumbledore said quickly with his hand on McGonagall's waist.

" How do you know I proposed to her?" Ron asked.

" You are not the first one to propose to Miss. Granger. When I asked she seemed quite exited. Until we were about to get intimate, then she fainted." Dumbledore said very matter-of-factly.

" No wonder!" McGonagall said. " One the size of yours! I nearly passed out! – And I was once with Hagrid! And that's saying something!"

Ron suddenly didn't want to hear anymore. He sprinted down the corridor…

…and back into the common room and…

…Hermione was lying on the floor…

…Harry was lying on top of her. Harry's head rose. There was blood dripping down his chin.

Ron noticed a bite mark on Hermione's neck.

Hermione wasn't moving. She was dead!

Harry lept on Ron.

Ron felt two fangs push into his throat.

Then he knew no more.

He was dead.

A Long Story cut short: Harry continued to suck out the entire school body's blood. He then went on suck out the blood of the world. He disposed of Fudge, Voldemort and Dumbledore. Everyone and everything had been sucked dry. Harry now roams the earth trying to find another source of life. Harry has turned insane due to the lack of blood in his gut. Harry then, amazingly, manages to lick his elbow. In his jubilation of jumping on a random sofa, he manages to bite his own neck and kill himself.

A/n: wow! Ok, it's a bit morbid at the end but it worked! Tell me what you think! Harry the vampire… interesting…


	8. Bond, James Bond

Harry Potter and Mr Sheep 

**Bond, James Bond**

Chapter 1 

**It all Started…**

Harry woke up late on the Saturday morning. He was the last one in his dormitory to rise out slumber. He rubbed his eyes and stood up.

He washed.

He got dressed.

Then he started to progress down the boy's dormitory stairs into the common room.

He had nearly reached the bottom of the stairs when a screeching ball of fur flying through the air met him. This was the last thing he saw before he fell unconscious.

Harry woke up exactly two hours, seventeen minutes, and forty-two seconds later, in the hospital wing.

Hermione looked down at him when she saw him wake.

" How are you? I'm so sorry that happened! It was Ron! He levitated Crookshanks and sent him flying through the air! It's all his fault!"

" No it isn't!" Ron retorted

" Yes it is!" Hermione answered.

" No it isn't!"

" Yes it is!"

" No it isn't!"

" Yes it is!"

" Yes it is!" Ron said this time.

" No it- I mean yes it is!"

Ron started laughing heavily at his 'hilarious' joke on Hermione.

" Just shut-up Ronald ok! Anyway, Harry, how are you? Does your head hurt?" Hermione asked.

" Harry? Who's Harry? I'm Bond, James Bond." Harry answered looking puzzled.

" Err… I think he may have hit his head harder than I thought… would you like a drink Harry?" Hermione tried to keep the situation under control (yeah right like that'll ever happen)

"Yes please. Shaken, not stirred"

" Harry, I don't think you're allowed cocktails in the hospital wing…"

" Cock what?"

" Cocktails Ron! Honestly I swear you're obsessed with cocks!"

" I am not!" Ron said slowly turning a shade of maroon that would have given his Christmas jumpers a run for their err… stitches.

" Sure whatever…" Hermione replied.

" Ok then, what are cockTAILS?"

" They're a muggle drink made up of alcohol."

" Oh, and why has Harry only just started wanting cocktails?"

" Because he thinks he's James Bond."

" James who?"

Hermione put on her best ' I'm trying to be patient but this dumb arse still doesn't get it' frustrated look, and answered " James Bond is a fictional muggle undercover secret agent."

" Oh…" Ron said still confused but not wanting to make Hermione any more stressed than she already was.

" So what's going on with those Russians?" Harry asked. " Have they got the atomic bomb?"

Harry's friends stood and watched him feeling slightly worried for their friend.

" Harry?" Hermione tried to talk to him.

There was no response. Harry continued to stare at them.

" Sorry, were you talking to me?" Harry finally replied after one minute and nine seconds of awkward silence.

" Yes Harry," Hermione answered.

" Sorry to disappoint you but my name is not Harry. I am still James Bond. My identity has not changed in the past minute."

" Ok, well, do you remember anything about a small boy named Harry Potter?" She continued.

" Hmm…" Seems to be thinking very deeply. " I might do…" he quickly scans his memory, " nope."

" You don't even remember how you came to be in this bed?"

" Yes, I remember how I came here. We were trying to break into Mistress Dame's mansion, so we could get the secret formula, so we could give it to Henry, so we could find out how to get into Russia without being bombarded with missiles, and so we could stay hidden so that we could sneak into the evil villain's headquarters, kill their leader and destroy the atomic bomb so the world can live in peace again. Anyway, I was hit by a curse that Madam Dame always keeps on her security gates. If only I had known…"

Hermione and Ron were stunned by Harry's quick telling of his secret spy plan. Hermione eventually snapped back in her senses after staring at Harry for a total of one minute and thirty-five seconds.

" Ok, well, err… Mr Bond…we'll just be leaving now…" She wanted to get herself Ron out of this situation before Harry scared her even more. It was bad enough having a troubled teenager on their hands let alone a troubled teenage boy who thinks he's an undercover secret agent saving the world from evil Russians.

" I will see you again.Goodbye."

Hermione and Ron ran out the room.

They dreaded when Harry was deemed safe enough to return to the world outside the hospital wing.

A/n: hi! Just to let you know, I have absolutely NOTHING against Russians. I just know that James Bond is known for its Russian villains. Please let me know what you think! I know this chapter is really short but I have some other ideas waiting in follow up chapters… just wait and see


	9. Bond, James Bond 2

Harry Potter and Mr. Sheep Bond, James Bond 

**Chapter 2**

**Quidditch**

It was the morning of the first quidditch match of the season. Gryffindor against Slytherin. Harry had been in the hospital wing for a total of two days, four hours and forty-five seconds.

Angelina had left Hogwarts and the captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team was now Ron Weasley. Ron wanted Harry to play because Harry usually won them the game. So, even though Harry was not in his correct mind, Ron let him play.

Except, Harry thought he was James Bond. He didn't know how to fly a broom!

The lucky thing was, Harry had indeed 'lost his marbles'. It did not matter that Harry did not know how to ride a broom. Rather like it did not matter that he did not know how to attract women- he tried to anyway.

Harry was down by the broom cupboard. He was already changed in his quidditch robes.

" It's a rather different uniform to last time isn't it?" Harry asked Ron.

Ron just looked at Harry and then continued to give the team the pre match speech.

"I would just like to say that those Russians won't stand a chance against us! We are going to shoot them down!"

Ron gave up his attempt of ignoring Harry. He let the team talk amongst themselves and he went to talk to Harry.

"Now Harry, you know what you need to do right?" Ron said hoping that Harry could at least remember the position he played.

"I sure do captain. I'm going to shoot those Russians until they wish they'd never been born. Then, when the coast is clear we will get the Water Diamond!"

"Err… yeah sure… Harry, just remember to catch the snitch will you? As soon as possible?" Ron said. He knew he was going to look like a total prat by the time this was over.

"The Water Diamond is my top priority! I'll be behind you all the way!"

Ron hoped Water Diamond was just another phrase that Harry used for Snitch.

They walked out on to the stadium.

They pushed off from the ground.

Harry started his engines.

"Brrrrrrrrr….brrrrrrrr…brrrrroommmmmm!"

They were in the air.

Harry was not paying attention to anything.

"Duga duga duga duga duga duga duga! Brrrrrrooooooommmmmmmmm!"

Aeroplane noises where protruding out of Harry's mouth.

He flew past the Gryffindor stands.

The Gryffindors heard his 'sound affects'.

"Do you think Harry is ok?" Hermione asked Seamus.

There they were. Harry could see the Russians. He knew his mission.

Harry grabbed the beaters bat from a Gryffindor beater. He raced towards the other side of the pitch.

WHAM!

Harry smashed the bat in to Malfoy's mouth.

WHAM!

Harry hit the Slytherin goalkeeper who fell backwards through a goal hoop.

WHAM!

Madam Hooch was smacked on the head and she fell to the floor

Then Harry saw it. He only just saw it. A bullet was heading straight for him.

He tried to escape it, but it was too fast.

Harry revved his engines one last time.

Harry screeched the sound of his 'airplane'.

"NNNNNNNNNEEEEEAAAAABBBEEEGGGRAAAAA!"

But no matter how loud Harry yelled, the bullet was still catching up with him.

It hit him on the head.

Harry was dead.

Or was he?

Harry fell to the floor.

His broom flew away.

Grawp picked the broom out of the air and used it as a tooth pick.

Harry remained lying on the floor.

Rotten tomatoes fell from an owl that happened to be flying overhead.

The tomatoes fell next to Harry.

Was he bleeding?

Was he ever going to be ok again?

Everyone was holding their breath.

Harry quickly opened his eyes.

"Mmm! Tomatoes!"

Harry reached out with his hand and started to eat the tomatoes.

Now everyone knew Harry was still alive, the quidditch match suddenly became very boring for them. They all decided to go back to their towers and find out who won in the morning.

Ron went over to Harry.

"Blimey Harry! What was that?"

"Oh my word! It can't be!" Harry gasped.

"Can't be what?" Ron asked.

"Hello Alice!" Harry stood up and held out his hand. "My name is James Bond. I haven't seen you in this parallel universe for a long time! Did wonderland get too much for you?"

Ron stared at Harry.

"Huh?"

"Don't worry dear you are not too late for tea!"

Ron followed Harry. The bat was still held tight in Harry's hand. Ron did not want _his_ face smashed in thank you very much!

But then again…Harry did now think that Ron was Alice from Alice in Wonderland…

Maybe Ron should have just left Harry in the hospital wing with his 'cocktail'…

A/n: ok, I yet again would like to say that I know it is weird. My friend- sootyface wanted Ginny to be Alice but I thought it would be more amusing if Ron was. Anyhu,

Please review!


	10. conversations 2

A/n: This next chapter is just some random notes I made with a friend. She would say one thing and I would say something else completely out of character! It works out quite well…

Harry Potter and Mr Sheep 

**Conversations**

**The Chamber of Secrets**

Tom: Hello Harry, my name is Tom Riddle. How did you come by my diary?

Harry: Someone tried to flush it down the toilet.

Tom: Luckily I recorded my entries in a more lasting way than ink, but I always knew there would be someone who would not want this diary read.

Harry: What do you mean? Does this diary have porn in?

Tom: How did you know? I mean…well…umm… lets just forget I ever said that. Ok! Ahem, where were we? Ah yes…fifty years ago…

Harry: Fifty years ago what? You lost your virginity? How old would that make you now anyway? Sixty-six! Blimey! Hi granddad, or are you a women? I can't tell.

Tom: I think you may have picked up the wrong diary…

Harry: No, no. I'm sure it's right. I mean how many people are called Tom Riddle? It's a rubbish name. Your mother was soo mean. It would be funny if you were called Crap Riddle, 'cause your riddles really stink.

Tom: NO COMMENT

Harry: Oh come on! You were talking a minute ago. You remind me of that women on T.V. Actually, the man who dresses up as a women, Paul 'O' Grady.

Tom: …

Harry: Have I out written you? Does the almighty Dark Lord have cramp in his hand? Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to know that yet am I? Oops! I'm getting my lines mixed up.

Tom: Painful expression

Harry: Sorry!

Tom: Don't worry.


	11. conversations 3

**Harry Potter and Mr Sheep**

**Conversations**

**The Philosophers stone**

**Scene 1**

Dumbledore: I should have known you would be here, Professor McGonagall…

McGonagall: How did you know it was me?

Dumbledore: My dear Professor, against my will whenever I see you my manhood becomes stiff.

McGonagall: Erm…blushes…can we talk about this later?

Dumbledore: No. Even in my ripe old age of over one hundred I have still not lost my virginity. Minerva, will you screw me tonight?

McGonagall: Albus! Slaps him hard around the face, transforms into a cat and starts to walk away

Dumbledore: NO! My love! Come back! I have a condom!

McGonagall: Jumps onto Dumbledore's face, claws out, then climbs on to the tree behind her and disappears

Dumbledore: Oh well. I can always ask Petunia…


	12. conversations 4

**Harry Potter and Mr Sheep**

**Conversations**

**The Philosophers stone**

**Scene 2**

Dumbledore: Knocks on Petunia's door

Petunia: Opens the door

Dumbledore: Hello Petunia, I am Albus Dumbledore. I have written you a letter which I would have included a baby boy but I am afraid he has not arrived yet.

Petunia: Who are you?

Dumbledore: I'm sure I just explained. I am Albus Dumbledore. Anyway down to business. Here is a letter which I ask you to read after we have spent the night together.

Petunia: Spent the night together? What do you mean?

Dumbledore: You are very slow aren't you? I mean spending the night together as in getting laid.

Petunia: Getting what?

Dumbledore: Get in with the cool crowd! Getting laid means having sexual intercourse!

Petunia: And why do you think I would like to have sexual intercourse with a man who has just turned up on my doorstep!

Dumbledore: Petunia, we both know that it wouldn't be the first time that you had.

Petunia: How do you know about Michael?

Dumbledore: He is a great friend of mine. He tells me that you have a thing for men in white beards and long hair. I would like to point out that my beard is genuine…mutters to self unlike that traitor Gandelf…

Petunia: Is it? Reaches out and touches beard ooh! So it is! And so soft too…what shampoo do you use?

Dumbledore: L'Oreal kids. I find it much softer on the skin. It is amazing how children are so alike to old geezers like myself…

Petunia: Old eh? Exactly how old?

Dumbledore: Ohh, well over a hundred.

Petunia: Ooh. I've never been in bed with a man in third digits before…

Dumbledore: I'm glad that you say so. Is your husband home?

Petunia: Damn I forgot! Yes he is.

Dumbledore: Raises his wand. Loud sound is heard coming from the living room Not anymore!

Petunia: Oh Albus! Pulls Dumbledore into a passionate kiss

Dumbledore: Oh Petunia! Starts to undo Petunia's clothes

Petunia: Suddenly stops kissing Wait! Lets close the door at least.


	13. conversations 5

**Harry Potter and Mr Sheep**

**Conversations**

**The Prisoner of Azkaban**

Sirius: Once my name's cleared…if you wanted a…a different home…

Harry: What- live with you? Leave the Dursleys?

Sirius: Of course, I thought you wouldn't want to, I understand. I just thought I'd-

Harry: Wait! Can we have late night parties?

Sirius: We could…

Harry: Cool! When can I move in?

Sirius: Well err… as soon as my names been cleared… and err… as soon as Shagerada moves out…

Harry: Shagerada? Who's Shagerada?

Sirius: Err… just a nice witch who I owe money to…

Harry: Why do you owe her money Sirius?

Sirius: Um… well… Azkaban can get very lonely… the second thing on my to-do-list was find you of course Harry…

Harry: Sure it was…

Sirius: Ok, fourth thing on my to-do-list.

Harry: What were the other things that were more important than me then? I'm amazed there's so many…

Sirius: Well, after I got out, the first thing I wanted to do was something that I only got to do a few times at Hogwarts.

Harry: Screw a girl?

Sirius: Um... yes… so I hired Shagerada… she's very nice when you get to know her. Now all I have to do is find the money to pay her with…

Harry: Lots of men get in serious dept 'cause of prostitutes you know…

Sirius: Yes well that's where you come in Harry…

Harry: WHAT!

Sirius: Stay calm; I'll let you get some of the goods!

Harry: Looks at Sirius and calms down You're a godfather who sets good examples, I like it. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship…

Harry and Sirius walked off into the beautiful moonlight looking forward to what would meet them in Sirius' cave. The next day, they will find out that Ron, Hermione and Peter were eaten alive by Professor Lupin. The only reason Harry and Sirius survived was because Sirius smelt of large quantities of dried piss


	14. A Cheering Charm In A Can 3

Harry Potter and Mr Sheep 

**A Cheering Charm in a can**

**Chapter 7**

**In Transfiguration**

Ron was sitting crying on one side of the room.

Harry was crying on the other side of the room.

Hermione cried in the centre of the room.

They all loved each other desperately. The love triangle was true.

Hermione knew that they were all upset. She retrieved the cheering charm in a can from her bag and walked over to Ron. She placed it under his nose. He giggled.

She walked over to Harry. She placed the can under Harry's nose. He giggled.

McGonagall entered.

"Here goes nothing." Hermione told herself. She put the cheering charm in a can under her own nose. She giggled.

She looked at Harry and Ron; they were, for no reason, laughing very hard.

"Calm down!" McGonagall said sternly. Harry, Ron and Hermione sat up at their desks trying to suppress their laughs- but failing miserably.

"Good Morning class." McGonagall said "This morning we are going to learn about-"

"BOGIES!" Harry yelled.

"Mr. Potter, do not call out in class! Now please restrain yourself!"

"BOGIES!" RON screamed even louder.

"That's it! Twenty points from-"

"BOGIES!" Hermione shouted this time.

"Detentions! All of you! Now please be quiet!"

Harry coughed Ron and Hermione's attention. They looked at him. Harry put up three fingers and counted down to zero.

"BBBOOOOGGGIIIEEESSSS!" They all yelled in unison.

" And crackers!" Harry added happily.

"Blurgh!" Ron pretended to be sick and he ran out the room.

"Blurgh!" Hermione pretended to be sick and she ran out the room.

Harry laughed out loud.

"Mr. POTTER! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" McGonagall yelled finally losing her patience.

"Lighten up you old hag." Harry said coolly.

"Right! That's it! Go to the headmaster!"

Harry shrugged and walked out the room.

A/n: Please reward all my hard work cough by reviewing! I really appreciate it!


	15. A Dream

A/n: hi, this is a random dream my friend (known as Roxie) had a while back. I asked her to write it down cos it is very random and you might find it funny!

**Harry Potter and Mr Sheep**

**Dreams**

**Dream 1**

Roxie: is on the Hogwarts express sees Harry, Ron and Hermione come down the corridor Turns in to a rabbit, runs in an empty compartment and sits under one of the seats

Harry, Ron and Hermione: enter compartment

Harry: sits on a bench

Ron and Hermione: sit on bench opposite

Ron : falls asleep

Harry: I need to take a piss.

Hermione: well go then!

Harry: ok

Harry: pisses on chair

Hermione: eurgh! Harry!

Harry: I'm going to the loo.

Hermione: I think it's a bit late for that…

Harry: looks at Hermione

Hermione: oh, you need to do the other one don't you?

Harry: nods and leaves the compartment

Ron: wakes up oh, Harry's gone. Now I can lye down. lays down on Harry's wet chair urgh! Whats this? sniffs chair it smells like piss!

Hermione: chuckles

The End

A/n: weird I know, but most dreams are!


	16. A Cheering Charm In A Can 4

Harry Potter and Mr Sheep 

**A Cheering Charm in a can **

**Chapter 8**

**In Dumbledore's office**

"Hey Dumbledore! Was up my breadbin?"

Dumbledore looked slightly put out by Harry's sudden entrance and knew attitude.

"Err...nothing" Dumbledore said confused.

"Hi five!" Harry said holding up his hand. Dumbledore didn't meet it. Dumbledore bent over slightly so that his eyes were level with Harry's.

"Is there something you wish to tell me Harry?" He inquired.

Harry noticed Dumbledore's half moon spectacles on the end of his nose.

"Actually prof, there is um…well…YOINK!" Harry grabbed Dumbledore's glasses and chucked the, out of the slightly open window. "HA! Did you see that! HA HA HA! You looked at me and I said yoink and then that window was open and I lobbed the specs out of it! Aahh… the good times…"

"Harry that wasn't a very clever thing to do. Without glasses I see everyone in their underwear." Dumbledore looked Harry up and down, and then continued to look Harry in the eyes apparently disturbed. "Why aren't you wearing any underwear Harry?"

The effect of the cheering charm in a can instantly wore off when Dumbledore said his last sentence.

Harry screamed like a girl and ran out the room.


	17. A Cheering Charm In A Can 5

Harry Potter and Mr Sheep 

**A Cheering Charm in a can**

**Chapter 9**

**The Aftermath of Dumbledore's office**

Harry, Ron and Hermione entered the great hall. Harry noticed Dumbledore was still not wearing glasses. He saw Dumbledore looking at McGonagall across the table. Then his head turned to look at Harry.

Harry had put on underwear today, but then he remembered how Ron hated tight elastic around his privates.

" Ron! Quick cover yourself up! Harry gasped.

" Huh?"

" When Dumbledore doesn't wear glasses he sees people in their underwear!"

" But I don't…OH S--T!" Ron ran out of the dining hall as soon as he understood what Harry was talking about.

Hermione turned to look at Harry.

"Why do you think Dumbledore is looking at McGonagall like that?"

"I don't know…maybe she's wearing lacy underwear."

"Harry that's gross!" Then Hermione remembered. "OH NO!"

She ran out the room.

Harry smiled. He was now glad that he had remembered to put on his pink fluffy thong! (He had been busy making it up to Ron earlier…)

A/n: . I hope you didn't mind the slash too much. Please review and say what you think!

Also, the rating was just to be safe…and if you are going to send bad reviews about anything then PLEASE give a reason:-)


	18. To Kill Or To Be Killed

A/n: Just to let you know this chapter doesn't contain much about the characters. It is just a small piece of writing that _could _have been how Harry Potter would have come to being if Jo hadn't thought of it… Harry Potter and Mr Sheep To Kill or to be killed 

"Tokill or to be killed. That is the question!"

"And CUT!" The director said. "Excellent darling! Perform like that on the night and it's in the bag!"

Daniel was very proud of himself. His school had been working an amateur dramatics production for ages. Now the finished product was nearly ready. They were going to perform it to the world!

The plays had to be based around a Shakespeare play. Daniel's school had chosen Hamlet. The aim was to change the play into something completely new. They only had to keep a few scenes in with a few obvious lines so the judges could guess the play.

Daniel's school had turned Hamlet into a story about a wizarding boy. The boy was doomed to 'kill or to be killed' by another evil wizard. The play was going to end with a big death scene. Everyone dies. Yippee. All the best bits of drama have deaths in. And some of the very best have deaths where the main characters die! Yay!

Daniel was very happy. He had talked to the director (named J.K.Rowling) She had revealed to him that he indeed would die. Daniel was glad because this meant that he wouldn't have to go on and do a sequel which probably would have been even more boring to rehearse than the original.

His friend, Dumbledore, played Ophelia. Dumbledore was in fact a woman. His I mean her parents had been particularly mean in naming him…her.

Daniel liked Ophelia on stage and off stage, but he never really fancied her. Dumbledore's name for some reason reminded Daniel of and old man with a long grey beard who isn't quite in his right mind. Even though in real life Dumbledore was a sweet little blonde haired girl who always wore a pink ribbon in her hair.

In the end, Daniel was going to stab the evil wizard in the heart. This would be while they were both standing on a step ladder pretending it was the top of a very tall tower. Just before the evil wizard dies, Daniel is pushed over backwards. He falls to his very sticky, messy death.

The special effects were going to be brilliant! As Daniel falls, blood capsules would explode from the ceiling, coating the audience in what looks like Daniel's blood. Some find this disgusting, but as the director says, 'they can go away'. Of course, the director uses much stronger words when it comes to the death scenes. She likes to get carried away.

Gore, gore and more gore- that was her motto.

"Ok! Do the scene where err…" Director looks back through her notes "You find that weird mirror thingy-ma-bob"

"Right-oh captain!" Daniel said.

The director gives Daniel the evils at this point but doesn't say anything. Finding actors who actually 'enjoy' working long hours are hard to find.

"Alas! My parents! I knew them Horatio! Back when I was one year old! Thy night was dark and night like! Thy trees were swaying in thy wind! The stars were sparkling like thy eyes! I-

"Wait a minute! Do I really come on to Rupert! Cheese and rice! I thought that was only in the commercials to get an audience!"

"I think it adds an original touch." The director said.

"Err… look; I don't want to act gay! Why can't Horatio be gay?"

"There are already many versions of Hamlet where Horatio is homosexual; the world does not need to see anymore of HIS backside…"

"I've never heard anything about Horatio being gay before…"

"Just get on with the play!"

"Fine…

"Then, an evil wizard came down and killed them! Horatio, I have heard a great deal about my own destiny. I only ask that our remaining few days together may be full of laughter, happiness and sex! Will you…" Daniel trailed off and a disturbed look found its way to his face.

"HOW THE ---- CAN YOU WRITE THIS STUFF WITHOUT BEING MENTALLY DISTURBED? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ACT THIS!"

"Which part don't you like?"

"Err… more like which part DO like!"

"What's the worst bit then?"

"How about 'Horatio! Look at mine bottom shineth in the mirror! Tonight, let's make sweet love! Then we can put on an act for the King!' How can you even think of writing that stuff!"

"I learnt from the best…"

"Who?"

"From-"

THE END!

A/n: hi! I hope you liked this chapter! It's not meant to be offensive to any of the actors in Harry Potter or Jo so sorry if you didn't like it!

I think the stuff Daniel talks about was just so that 'sootyface' who has given me a lot of reviews can stop telling me that I am insane/mad/crazy. Part of the reason I wrote this story was so that I can use Daniel to show that I KNOW I am completely mad:-D

Please review!


	19. Sarcastically

Harry skipped down the corridor towards the great hall.

Then he saw Seamus using his pogo stick coming down the corridor in the opposite direction.

"Hi Seamus." Harry said sarcastically.

"Hi Harry." Seamus said sarcastically.

They continued to skip and bounce down the corridor in opposite directions.

Harry liked to skip. It emphasized his camp personalit-

Harry hit a wall.

Harry picked himself up off the floor and re-placed his pink, horned, glasses. He clicked his fingers and a pink carriage appeared. At the front, pulling the carriage were two pink unicorns.

Harry stepped inside the carriage and took in its pink, fluffy interior. He clicked his fingers once again and the unicorns grew into a steady trot.

Harry shrieked as he noticed that he had chipped on of his stunning pink fingernails- freshly manicured that morning.

The unicorns stopped. Harry opened the carriage door and stepped out into the great hall.

Harry skipped towards the Gryffindor table where Ron and Hermione were sitting.

"Hello Hermione, Ron" Harry said sarcastically.

"Hi Harry." Hermione said sarcastically.

"Would you like some toast Harry?" Ron said sarcastically.

"Yes please." Harry said sarcastically.

"With or without strawberry jam?" Hermione asked sarcastically.

"With, of course!" Harry said sarcastically.

Hermione picked up some toast and then paused.

"Wait, does that mean you do or don't want toast with strawberry jam?" Hermione said not sarcastically.

The trio sat in silence for a few seconds.

"I just don't know anymore…" Harry said quietly.

Just as Harry said that, Dumbledore entered the hall. Headphones were in his ears and he was singing and dancing along to the song.

"It's raining men!

Hallelujah it's raining men!

Oh yeah!"

Dumbledore shook his hips as he made his way to the front of the hall.

No heads turned to watch the headmaster act in such a peculiar matter because it was now a regular occurrence.

Dumbledore turned off his MP3 and stood at the front of the hall.

"OI! You lot! I want you all to listen to me! "Dumbledore shouted above the loud hall.

The students turned towards the senile old faggot.

"I think that we should close the school. It seems that I am the only sane person here. I do not see the point in teaching poofs and gays. So as of tomorrow, this school will be turned into a mental asylum. All the following people are to attend: ah… actually…it looks as if the entire school are to be sent there… The only person not to attend is of course me! Now I must ask that you all go and pack your bags so you can go to the mental asylum which is actually here."

The whole school looked at professor Dumbledore, terribly confused.

"One last thing, I would like to ask Harry something. The rest of you can gradually continue going insane."

The school continued to eat their breakfast and Harry walked up to Dumbledore.

"Yes professor?" Harry said.

"Yes, I wanted to ask you to go away. I don't like you." Dumbledore said curtly. He then replaced his headphones in his ear and waltzed out of the room.

Harry stood in silence. He did a back flip off of the stage and wondered what the hell Dumbledore was talking about.


	20. Conversation 6

Hermione: What's wrong Harry?

Harry: Nothing, (mumbles) bloody git ferret face punch his head in…

Hermione: Malfoy cane on to you didn't he?

Harry: …Hermione… how did you know?

Hermione: I over heard Romilda Vane boasting that he's making a film for her.

Harry: … … … WTF?!?!?!

Hermione: Malfoy's making a film starring him and another hot boy. He says it's gonna be the best porn movie yet.

Ron: But I though all that muggle stuff doesn't work at Hogwarts?

Hermione: it's a magical movie. Porn is automatically magical as long as one person reaches their sexual peak. In this case probably Malfoy… but they've only just started filming.

Ron and Harry: (stare at Hermione in the horror and fear of people who had never heard those words from a girl before, then burst into the hysterical giggles of the continuously immature.)

Hermione: (Shrugs) so Harry, looking forward to the big finale?

Harry: (runs out of the common room screaming, comes face to face with Malfoy who gives him a manic smile. Runs screaming back into the common room to the collective stares of the entire Gryffindor house.)

Hermione: Don't worry Harry, he's planning on cornering you in the showers after the next quidditch match… mmm…

Harry: (turns to Angelina Johnson) I QUIT!

All Girls and Colin Creevy: No fair! We wanna see hot guy sex!

Angelina: Sorry Harry! We need you!

Harry: (Attempts to think fast)

Whole common room: (cringes at the sound of gears in Harry's brain squeaking)

Harry: err….(sweats)

Harry's brain: (squeaks)


End file.
